black keys - 10am automatic
it’s evenings like these, filled with the hormonal rantings of a girl’s monthly gift of ‘no not pregnant, thank god’. but while there may be respite from the burdens of fertility, there comes the haunting of what the heart wants. what my foolish heart still desires.
the kind of love that makes you lose your mind a bit. passionate. a revelation. i wish i could have you again. but it’s a weakness. a sickness. a loss of self.
and i don’t want to do it anymore.
sadly. treacherous evenings like these reveal the traitor within. the one that knows that i want to settle into a life with someone. where i’d want them to father my children. to fall madly and deeply.
but i can only handle career and friends right now. the weight of my own expectations. i couldn’t handle losing someone like you again. not right now.
it’s a risk. love. i need to be able to trust myself again. no more fixing others.
for now, it’s just myself i need to put back together.
It feels like a weakness. I need to not oyster it. I need to shut that shit down.
i think it’s time to let go and move on.
i don’t think london is going to work out.
there is no one for me there. there hasn’t been for quite some time now.
i think whatever delusions i have, of boomerangs and oysters with grains of sand, it’s time to grow up.
grow up. accept that this is where i’m going to spend several years. and move on.
and try not to be a foolish foolish girl. instead, i will work on layout. tomorrow is pear picking and sunday crosswords.
sometimes, i hate this.
“Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)” by Arcade Fire
I love that Regine is given at least one chance to really run away with a song, and she does so beautifully. Her voice is just quirky enough. You’re always drawn to her intonation but not to the degree of annoyance. And it is the breathy quality of her voice that makes the lyrics that much more striking. It usually takes me a couple of spins to grasp them.
Living in the sprawl, the shopping malls rise like mountains beyond mountains and there’s no end at all. I need the darkness; someone please cut the lights.
And I know it’s not necessarily the point of the song, but I’m excited to hear the remixes for this one (if anyone would attempt to remix an Arcade Fire song). Listening to The Suburbs for the first time and then getting this straight-up, The Knife-esque dance song just made me smile.